BELLA AND THE RECTUM RELICS.

This year has certainly been the year to face my fears. JANUARY I found myself at the dentist.After 2 months of putting up with a toothache,I finally knew time had run out after an abscess showed up on my gums.SoI took myself and my runs and went to the dentist in a panic!I had not been to the dentist in 20 years!
Enter sexy dentist man.Thank god he was so sweet,calmed me down gave me what I think was about 20 needles to numb my gums and then pulled my tooth out.All within two minutes, and stopping the runs in my bum.Oh my god, It did NOT HURT a bit and I put up with 2 months of shit!!!!

18 months ago I had changes in a part of my body that no one ever dares talk about. Its dark in there,but without it we would all be dead.Unfortunately my plumbing was not working like it should, things were blocked, too many noises and changes not normal, I understood.I kept this dark secret for over 12 months. I finally gave in to my fear when I read that bowel polyps can cause obstructions,cancers and that liver and kidneys can be affected. Again I had to confront my demons and went to the doctor.He organised for me to see a bum specialist which was scheduled 3 months later. 3 MONTHS OF TERROR FOR ME...

The bum specialist was one hell of a COOL GUY.HANDSOME, GREAT BEDSIDE MANNER, GENTLE AND APOLOGETIC. Everytime, he put that gadget in that dark place and I cringed. "Oops sorry! oops sorry!" he would quietly say. OH MY GOD!!! HAHAHAHAHA I loved him straight away! When he asked for me to take my undies off, I joked with him and said I had lost my dignity when I had given birth. So now I was just doing it all over again. He laughed and said "Don't worry we go to university for many many years and study to do this!"
"BELLA" he said you must do this. A colonoscopy was the order.(and its no bloody kiss I smirked from within )It was stressed that we must ensure that all is well in there and without a colonscopy we can never be sure,we cannot investigate properly.

OH MY GOD! I WENT HOME WITH ANOTHER BOUT OF THE RUNS and TERROR FOR ANOTHER 3 MONTHS......

The 'two days before'day finally arrives. It's time to drink that shit that makes you shit to the point you have no shit left. So a confronting 48 hour famine was about to begin whilst drinking shit,hearing a nagging mum,a mid life crisis affected husband arguing with our demanding son. I was ready to take myself and my bum to a peaceful hotel and just sit, meditate, do yoga or talk to my arse!

Yay!!!! Operation Day!!! I get to the hospital, heart in my mouth. I was asked to sit in the waiting room as my handsome bum specialist was running 2 hours late. OH NO! OH MY GOD....I WAS READY TO WALK OUT. Blood sugars on the floor, dry mouth, runs to the toilet with nothing to come out. Hubby dumped me in front of the hospital and went to work. I chose to talk to another terrified lady in the waiting room and we consoled each other and bagged our husbands who we thought were jerks.

Maybe I was overreacting, but this was a big deal for me because I have an enormous fear of anaesthetics. What if I have an allergic reaction? What if I were to die on the table I thought? I don't care for pain it doesn't phase me after giving birth to two kids without any assistance of any drugs! Funnily enough when I left my house earlier, I pointed to my death policy and told my husband what he should do should the unthinkable happen.

Eventually the two hours was up. I cannot begin to describe how I was feeling. The anaesthetist noticed my uncontrollable fear and injected me with a first needle to calm me down."It didn't work"I exclaimed using the f word to make me feel sane. So then he puts some alien looking gas mask to my face. By some miracle, in a second or two there I was off my face, ready to confront all my fears!!!.I could go bungee jumping I thought, I could go skydiving !I was so courageous and ready to confront anything!!!

I WAS ALSO VERY OUT OF IT! DRUGGED OFF MY FACE....AND LOVING IT!!OH MY GOD IM A DRUG ADDICT NOW I THOUGHT!!hahahaha funny gas. It was all too funny and I was ready to get the television production up my arse to film things that would probably get an Oscar!!!They called me into the operation table and I said "You want me to lie on my side yeah??? Cos I have been reading about this and I know what you guys do..." (Yeah Im so informed and smart) I lay on my side, the anaesthetist gave me another needle and after that I think I died!

I was woken up one and a half hours later to a blissful drugged state of "I don't give a shit cos I aint got no shit" attitude. Poor woman across from me was bombing away in some war zone in The land of Colonscopy and it dawned on me that maybe I had done my fair share of bombardments in that land of Colonscopy. Oh nooooooo!!!!

My bum specialist came to see me.(I was fluttering my eye lashes he is so gorgeous well I think I was or it might have been the gas.)Anyway He gave me the rundown...DURING THE RECTAL PRODUCTION HE DID FIND A SET OF KEYS TO THE FERRARI, MY SONS TRAIN SET DATING BACK TO 1994 WHEN HE WAS ONLY ONE YEAR OLD AND AN EARRING.(that earring was from a piercing I had in a certain spot when I was a young thing but as I started to age and body parts began hanging south,it must have moved position) Really though thank god nothing serious....1POLYP REMOVED....1 PRETTY LARGE HEAMMOROID BANDED... IT STILL HURTS....and A MILD CASE OF DIVERTICULITIS...(I think) which means lots and lots of fibre needs to be eaten.... AND he wants me to have another television production up my arse in 5 years. I say bring it on I just
can't wait!!!

Seriously dont wait. If you have any changes in your bowel DO NOT WAIT. GET IT CHECKED. I was lucky. But it could have been a different result especially because my fear made me waste 18 months. If there had been something serious I would not be sitting here making fun of myself. Get yourself checked. Prevention is the key. LIFE IS PRECIOUS AND FABULOUS.


APOLOGIES TO THE BUM SPECIALIST WHO IS ALSO KNOWN AS A RECTAL SPECIALIST OR GASTROENTEROLOGIST.IT IS NOT MY INTENTION TO OFFEND BUT JUST TO HAVE A LAUGH AT MYSELF.I HAVE IMMENSE RESPECT AND GRATITUDE TO MY SPECIALIST WHO DID A WONDERFUL JOB.